Forever Life and Me

Today’s the day. Carpe diem. I’m pushing my heart aside and letting my brain take control. Here’s to the day. I’m playing it smart. Here’s to the day where I’m coming out stronger. I am going to let go. I am going to move on. It’s time for me. I haven’t gotten the time or effort I deserve. I deserve more. I never said better because I know you’re great. I just need to get you off my mind and stop wasting time thinking about you. I can’t say I’m sorry. I’m just protecting myself. I’ve always had problems with letting down my shield too early. Just leave me alone. I love you. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t. But, sometimes it’s better to let go. It will be better for both of us. I promise. You can focus on your life and I’ll work on mine. You don’t need me. I know you can see that. I’m just some girl you met who was supposed to be in your life for a little while. I was supposed to mix it up, give you a change of pace. It’s gonna be all right. I know it and you know it. I’m just some girl. Bros before hoes, right? I’m not the girl for you, at least not now in your life. I’m letting you go and pushing you out. If you really cared, you would go a little out of your way. Maybe, that’s just not in your nature like it’s in mine. If I care for someone, if I love someone, I take the extra step, I make the extra effort. That’s how I am. I guess that’s why I expect the same in return.

I guess the only way to end this is by saying goodbye. 

Truth be told, I’m scared but, I’m not scared for myself. Well, I am partly scared for me but, mostly I’m scared for the woman who’s been there from the start, 9 months from the start. She has two conditions that have been affecting her life from right around the start of mine, fibromyalgia and muscular dystrophy syndrome. Honestly, I’m completely terrified. She has never been this bad. She has never hurt like this or complained like this. Mostly, she tries to hide it from people especially people outside of our immediate family. It all started with her disability insurance being taken away. Now, she’s suing the insurance company. They have no idea how much stress, worry and anger they placed on my mom’s plate. She had never been this sick before. She didn’t even come downstairs for Christmas this year. She has now been sick for over a month. I don’t know what to do. I think she’s dying or her conditions are worsening. She cannot die, not now. I still need her in my life. As much as she drives me crazy, I need her here. I am afraid she won’t be able to get up next or attend events. She hasn’t been able to do a lot in the past month or the past 17 years. I lived a different type of childhood. I mostly spent a lot of time at daycare or in my basement playing in a world of my own creation. She didn’t have the necesary energy to take care of me all the time. I don’t know how she did it. I know that her conditions are some of the reasons why I watched so many old movies or musicals as a child. I wouldn’t ask for a different childhood because then I wouldn’t be me. I have never hated this condition or that company as much as I hate them today. Stress increases her conditons. Stress makes her worse. If they are the reasons why my mother is taken from me earlier than expected, I don’t know what I will do. I need her to be there for my graduation, to help me plan my wedding, for tips on raising my kids, for granny day care when I need to get away. I need her. I still need her, today. Please God, I am begging you don’t take her away, not yet. Let her keep walking and moving, don’t confide her to the bed. Keep her spirits high and let her win her legal case. Give me my mom back, the one who raised me and kept me safe. My family cannot function without her. We need her. We still need her.